If you simply must hang your work in a gallery, then here is the tool you’ll need to make just the right impression on your viewing public: The Arty Bollocks Generator.
It’ll flawlessly create your entire artist’s statement for any truly serious and irreproachably artistic endeavor.
Some samples: ‘My work explores the relationship between the tyranny of ageing and skateboard ethics.’
‘As shifting phenomena become frozen through emergent and personal practice, the viewer is left with a statement of the limits of our world.’
Please be serious, donate to a charity, write a manifesto, and for god’s sake go to a gallery for some bloody education! Then take yourself to see a fine German movie… film, I meant ‘film.’ Okay?
Now get going.
And for further sublime examples of pretentious statement-making, try Werner Herzog’s film school!