Write Like a Pretentious Artist! The Arty Bollocks Generator!

German film director, Werner Herzog.

If you simply must hang your work in a gallery, then here is the tool you’ll need to make just the right impression on your viewing public: The Arty Bollocks Generator.

It’ll flawlessly create your entire artist’s statement for any truly serious and irreproachably artistic endeavor.

Some samples:  ‘My work explores the relationship between the tyranny of ageing and skateboard ethics.’

‘As shifting phenomena become frozen through emergent and personal practice, the viewer is left with a statement of the limits of our world.’

Please be serious, donate to a charity, write a manifesto, and for god’s sake go to a gallery for some bloody education!  Then take yourself to see a fine German movie… film, I meant ‘film.’  Okay?

Now get going.

And for further sublime examples of pretentious statement-making, try Werner Herzog’s film school!

German Film Directer Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe

He’s a German film director named Werner Herzog and in 1980 he made a bet with another filmmaker that if that other guy actually finished his first feature film Herzog would sit down in front of cameras and eat his own shoe. The friend did finish his movie, and so Mr. Herzog sat down to dine upon his footwear. During the strange event, he talks about how deadly television is and how we must fight its influence. It’s an old refrain, but he puts it in a way that I’ve not heard before. He goes on to talk about how we as a culture have not developed adequate images.  I’m not sure he’s right about this, but he certainly thinks he is and that’s always fun to watch. He is deadly serious about what he’s saying, but of course you must not forget that during it all he is cooking and eating a shoe. I always love to see people who are being funny while being totally serious.